The Ravenlake Gazette
Town’s Oldest (and Only) Newspaper Since 1894
All the News That’s Fit to Squint At
Articles by Marcus Peele, Chief Editor
THE NEW SOCIAL WAR OF EVERSON HEIGHTS
Lumen Manor Lights Up the Hills: Nathaniel Howl’s Lavish Parties Stir Up Everson Heights.
For decades, Montrose Manor has ruled Ravenlake’s social calendar, hosting soirées so elegant that guests reportedly dress up just to check their mail the week before. But now, novelist Nathaniel Howl—the internationally adored writer of brooding thrillers and award-winning gothic romances—has purchased the gleaming modernist estate now known as Lumen Manor.
And according to insiders, he’s not wasting time. Howl has already thrown three invitation-only gatherings.
What sets these events apart from Montrose Manor’s glittering affairs is Howl’s unusual decision to welcome ordinary Ravenlake residents—artists, teachers, librarians, bartenders, even a daring few from Kendall and Ashton Village.
“It's democratic decadence,” whispered one guest. “Champagne for everybody, not just old money.”
The Montroses remain confident that their annual Very English Bonfire Night Party—a hallmark of Ravenlake tradition—will keep them firmly on the map. Still, sources say invitations to Howl’s next secret gathering have become the hottest item in town.
Rumour has it the theme is “Stars Over the Lake.”
Montrose Manor may need to burn a truly spectacular bonfire this year.
GHOST SPOTTING DOWN THE CLOSED MINESHAFT
Ghouls? Or Just Gary (It was just Gary last time)? Paranormal Team Leaves Closed Mineshaft Empty-Handed Again.
Residents near the Old Hollowstone Mineshaft reported strange lights, rattling chains, and one very convincing moan last Thursday night. Unfortunately for thrill-seekers, the Ravenlake Paranormal Society (membership: 3, and Gary) confirmed this week that the alleged ghost is, once again, “inconclusive.”
Team leader Brenda Mulligan says they recorded “cold spots, light anomalies, and something that sounded like the word ‘soup’ whispered into the wind.” When pressed, Gary admitted he may have said “soup” aloud because he was hungry.
Locals maintain that the mines are absolutely haunted. The Paranormal Society maintains that they will return next week with “more sophisticated recording devices” (Gary’s old iPad, now with 12% battery).
Town officials remind the public that the mineshaft is closed for safety reasons, not because “the spirits demanded it,” as some have claimed.
HALF MOON DINER REOPENS WITH… STRANGE NEW MENU
Half Moon Diner Returns With Bold New Flavours No One Asked For.
After a two-month closure for renovations (and a mysterious refrigeration incident no one will speak of), the Half Moon Diner is open again—and offering culinary innovations that have left patrons impressed, confused, and occasionally concerned.
New menu items include:
The Lunar Stack: Pancakes infused with “essence of moonlight” (translation: edible glitter).
Sausage-in-a-Jar: Not explained on the menu; customers must sign a waiver.
Blueberry Gravy Fries: A dish that “pairs well with regret,” says waitress Sherry.
Cosmic Coffee: Brewed so strong it “lets you see tomorrow,” according to one jittery regular.
Pickle Pie: A dessert “for adventurous spirits or people who lost a bet.”
The Half-Moon Mega Melt: A grilled cheese containing seven cheeses, two of which are unidentifiable.
Starlight Soda: Sparkles going in and out.
Owner Laurel Hart says the new menu is inspired by “an urge to push culinary boundaries and maybe unsettle tourists a little.”
Locals agree: mission accomplished.
RAVENLAKE HIGH’S GRACIE MONTROSE WINS YOUNG LITERARY PRIZE
Ravenlake’s Rising Star: Gracie Montrose Takes Top Literary Award.
Ravenlake High’s own Gracie Montrose has won the prestigious Young Quill Literary Prize for her short story cycle, “Ink in the Water.” Judges praised her writing as “eerie, imaginative, and far too good for someone her age,” which Gracie accepted “with a small, embarrassed nod.”
In addition, Gracie has been chosen to write and direct this year’s Ravenlake High Christmas Play, boldly adapting Dr Faustus into a modern teen drama involving a mysterious girl, a cursed book, and a pact written in glitter gel pen.
Rehearsals begin next week.
Counsellors are already preparing for the emotional fallout.
SEVEN TASTES, ONE MELTDOWN
Celebrity Chef Bradley Boyd Looses It Over ‘Tiny’ Request.
It was a dramatic evening at The Seven Tastes, Ravenlake’s acclaimed fine-dining establishment, when renowned chef Bradley Boyd reportedly suffered what witnesses described as “a full-on kitchen opera” after a customer asked for “just a small change” to one of his dishes.
The unfortunate request?
“Could the garnish be on the side?”
According to servers, this seemingly harmless comment sent Boyd into an artistic spiral not seen since his infamous “Deconstructed Salt” phase in Barcelona. Pots clanged, knives were theatrically pointed at the ceiling, and one sous-chef claims Boyd whispered, “Why do they fear the garnish?” before locking himself briefly in the walk-in fridge for reflection.
The customer, unaware of having unleashed culinary chaos, reportedly said,
“I just don’t like cilantro much.”
Boyd responded by creating a new dish titled ‘Cilantro’s Revenge’, which the staff wisely decided not to serve.